Insecurity: The Root of all Evil (Pt. 1)

 "Greed is the root of all evil."

Nope.

Sorry.

Greed itself is an evil in the world--yes. It's, in fact, perhaps the most prevalent and well-noticed evil in the world. However, would greed still be an existing concern if there was only one remaining living thing in existence? What need would there be for greed? Sure, if it was one remaining person striving to survive against a tribe of squirrels, I can see a greedy competition occurring between who can hoard the most acorns for survival and even some theft occurring. Seems like a pretty insecure move on the part of both the person and squirrels if they feel a need to steal acorns from each other to feel adequate in their survival. I'll bet each would have enough left over to share when winter has gone and passed.

Cue "III. Rondo Allegro in D Major" by Beethoven.

But enough of man versus squirrel.

The key word there is "insecure," and we need to take a look at the role insecurity plays in greed.

There are many types of insecurities behind greed--especially in this day and age as we've chosen economic exchange as the primary force driving our survival. Here are a few: 

1. Being poor is stigmatized in society, and so as a poor person desperate for societal or community approval, and a need to feel important, I will do anything I must to achieve the luxuries of rich people--even if it means stealing that TV so that others will praise me for my awesome TV.

2. My parents were rich, and therefore I must live up to the family "image" and become even more wealthy myself using any means necessary--all while simultaneously using their money to my advantage. The family name will be one that everyone looks up to for success and I will receive the recognition from my family that I think I was born to strive for.

3. I don't see myself as powerful enough, and money and assets equate to power. Therefore, I will commit any evil necessary to make sure others see me as powerful--even if what I commit is at the expense of those I want admiration from. How can I earn their respect any other way? If everyone else sees me as powerful, maybe then I'll see myself as powerful, too, because that's what's most important to me--not contentment.

4. I want others to witness and acknowledge how hard I work because my own actions mean nothing to me unless somebody notices them. Therefore I will show off my hard-working tendencies with my sense of materialism and show off how much I worked to "earn" this life that I have.

These are obviously not all the reasons someone might pursue a disposition of greed, but they are certainly realistic. Some people who pursue life through greed might even display more than one of these insecurities. The main thing that each of these have in common with each other, however, is appearances.

Each example of insecurity behind greed describes a person who wants recognition from others of some kind--primarily admiration--and they attempt to achieve that by way of showing off with money and assets as a way to make an appearance. Is that not what an insecurity is? Being concerned with appearances and social standing?

Here is my claim stated most simply, then:

Insecurity is the root of all evil.

I should preface with the reminder that I am an atheist, and so my definition of "evil" doesn't necessarily follow any religious context. That's not discrediting religion's ability to point out wrongdoings in the world. Most religions agree, I think, that murder is evil. However, I think it's also evil to use religion to judge someone based on who they decide to do life with. Imposing one's views on LGBTQ+ folks is a form of insecurity because how could anyone possibly take you seriously or as an authority of knowledge in your religious community if you don't make someone feel like shit for who they love?

Maybe also consider, Jimmy, that you're a little insecure about being perceived as being on the LGTBQ+ spectrum yourself. It okay to be a little gay, Jimmy. You're still Jimmy, it's just that you're seeking self-worth and validation from the wrong people.

We get it, Jimmy.

An evil, then, can be defined as something we impose on others as a result of the inner work we don't do on ourselves. What we impose is a projection of what we refuse to address within ourselves first and therefore inflict harm on others.

The person on the highway riding your bumper isn't doing that because it's personal. They're doing it because it makes them feel big while being frustrated at not actually being "big" and they therefore take it out on you. Playing their game, or responding with more frustration, says more about your inner peace than it does theirs.

That's not to say that insecurities themselves are inherently wrong or bad. They are a natural human response to social experiences and are meant to tell us where and how we need to grow and adjust either within ourselves or in our environment.  They are not meant to be hidden or unaddressed. That said, insecurities also never go away as we should strive for growth until the day we take our final breath. Our growth, in any moment, creates a chain effect in others who see our growth to grow themselves as well. The end result is a harmonious balance of insecurity and understanding that we are all people and we are all working together to love and live among one another harmoniously. Harmonious living is peak survival.

If insecurities didn't exist, perhaps we'd finally be "perfect" in Plato's terms and ideas of forms. 

Plato approved.

It's easy, I think, for people to assume the opposite is true, too: Arrogance, not a lack of confidence, is the true culprit of evil. However, an arrogant comment made with the openness of being corrected is simply confidence, and real confidence doesn't strive or mean to cause harm to others in order to maintain itself.

I can say, "I'm the smartest person alive!" That would be an arrogant comment. However, if someone were to come along and say, "Actually you're wrong because..." It would be up to my authentic and real confidence to acknowledge that and say, "You're right. I'm not the smartest person alive," and not feel moved or less than just for being wrong in my original statement. 

Confidence overextended, however, is an evil. Any strength overextended becomes a weakness (as my grandfather loves to say), and there are no exceptions to that rule I think. See, confidence overextended is an attempt to hide something--usually a lack of confidence underneath in which the overextended confidence acts as a façade to hide that insecurity.

Narcissists are not confident. Narcissists appear confident because they want to appear confident. They want to appear confident because they can then hide their true vulnerabilities and perceived weaknesses. They hide their true vulnerabilities and perceived weaknesses in order to protect themselves from being hurt because they think themselves no more than a vermin to be squashed under an unforgiving boot but don't want to admit it. They don't trust interpersonal or interdependent relationships to meet their needs or desires, and they express that insecurity by making themselves appear better than everyone else. If they would just go inward and address those insecurities and forgive themselves for their own underlying shames, they could manifest the warmth and closeness they really need from others.

But, alas, they chase others away by being too toxic to withstand for any mentally healthy individual. They trap those who reinforce them. Their behavior is validated by those who are also insecure and take the narcissist's words and behavior as truth to life despite the fact that the narcissist is honest to no one--not even themselves.

It would be cruel, and therefore insecure, of me to call out the insecurities of others without addressing my own right here in my blog. I have many insecurities, as does everyone, and maybe by airing them out to you, Readers, I can not only make them known and therefore release them but I might also inspire you to share your insecurities with others as well. Let's talk about it!

Here are some insecurities of mine, how I hurt other people with said insecurities, and what I did or am currently doing to work on them:

1. Cat-gagging. 

I have really bad chronic sinusitis, which has taken away most of my ability to smell and results in an overproduction of mucus. Every morning and every night, I hack and gag on my toothbrush while brushing my tongue in order to expel that excess mucus that makes it difficult for me to breathe and swallow. I was terrified of any roommate or anyone finding out about it because I think it's gross. I was grateful when my roommate first heard it and said I sounded like a cat coughing up a hairball and now we endearingly named it "cat-gagging."

One night, my roommate had a friend over and I stayed up extra late, bypassing my self-imposed bedtime, and growing grumpier and grumpier as the night went on because I didn't want to embarrass myself and my roommate with my cat gagging. I texted her, but she was too busy because, of course, she was in the company of a good friend. My frustration was slowly being directed toward her for being "inconsiderate" in having a friend over this late. However, I stopped myself in the middle of that thought process before acting on it.

I, instead, realized that if I didn't get to sleep soon, I would have a terrible following day at work, and I wouldn't be able to function the way I needed to--especially when I already struggle with some intermittent insomnia. My fear around cat gagging was my own--a fear of how her friend would perceive me. So, instead of blaming my roommate for being inconsiderate, I went ahead and cat-gagged to my heart's content. 

Guess what? They didn't even hear me because the heater was too loud. Funny things, insecurities. I was doing more harm to myself by holding onto this one and everything turned out fine anyway.

2. Masculinity

This one goes way back. In a world where women are expected to present as women and men are expected to present as men, I lacked a place for my authentic self-expression as a child. I always identified with the male characters on TV and in books because it was uncommon for there to be girls or women as robust "heroes” of a story while still maintaining her feminine presentation without being sexualized. As a child who strived to identify with the hero or protagonist of everything I imbibed--especially through my brothers--I resorted to the way of the tomboy which costed me socially.

In 5th grade, I began to develop insecurities around any masculine presenting traits I had. There were many times when other kids made fun of me and told me I had a penis or yelled out, "Hey, boy!" to see if I would turn and look. I had one girl ask me if I was a lesbian, just because I wore some of my brother’s clothes, and follow up with, "It's okay, you can tell me," after I clearly stated, "No." Another girl, who I used to sit in front of during science class, used to kick the back of my chair and say that she didn't want to sit next to a lesbian. She ended up going butch and had already dated a few other girls once we all hit high school. I find that ironic, but I also applaud her for overcoming obstacles to that self-recognition.

These insecurities had caused me to become jealous, and therefore act out on that jealousy, when I was face-to-face with those I perceived as "more feminine" than myself. It was all a result of the unrealistic standards I set for myself according to what I believed society expected of me.

Throughout high school, I developed an admiration for Joan Jett who was also perceived as masculine by some but was still a femme icon.  She played a massive role in involving women in the rock music scene, which was liberating for many, just because she was a "tough" woman. She wasn't Buttercup from Powerpuff Girls--she was real, and she was androgynous. Looking up to her really helped with some of my self-confidence around my own androgynous attitude that lead to fist fights (unfortunately) and taking on the protective role over my friends. Over time I realized that my mind, wanting to identify with the primarily male hero of all my favorite cartoons and video games growing up and always having the ability to identify with my male counterparts as well as female, was simply gifted with androgyny.

That androgyny helps me in times of trouble, I think. We all have a little bit of unrealized androgyny--It helps us empathize with all kinds of people regardless of gender presentation once realized. Some people argue that an androgynous mind isn't actually real--I would be inclined to agree because I think a self-realized person, regardless of gender identity, should be comfortable with both their masculine and feminine traits naturally without a need for the androgyny label. Both traits are really just one type of trait--being human. However, Introducing androgyny to my vocabulary helped me understand that I can have societally perceived "masculine" traits and still be womanly. I'm no less feminine for being able to identify with masculine genders in various ways. In fact, maybe it helps me understand others around me regardless of what's behind their zipper and perhaps that, in turn, makes me more nurturing to the human condition.

3. Becoming a Narcissist.

This is the heaviest and perhaps most personal insecurity I ever dealt with. A few months before I moved out of San Diego, I realized that I had narcissistic fleas after discovering what they were. Basically, fleas in psychology are traits we pick up, as people that don't have personality disorders or specific mental illnesses, from people that do as a defense mechanism. My mother was a narcissist, and I began to develop some of her toxic traits as a means of defending myself from her and anyone else that I feared to be a potential narcissist. I would become somewhat histrionic in my behavior, and a little over-dramatic and emotionally manipulative. When I realized that I was beginning to hurt people I considered friends and close ones that were clearly not narcissists, I knew I had to change. What was once an insecurity toward being hurt by those I couldn't trust became an insecurity about becoming a narcissist myself.

When I arrived in South Carolina, my grandparents immediately bought me new clothes, took me to restaurants, and pampered me in multiple ways. The way I responded was to thank them at an obnoxious level. It got to a point where they would say something along the lines of, "Brittney, we're doing these things because we want to. You don't have to keep thanking us over and over for every little thing we do. Doing these things makes us happy." It was clear to them that my thanks were coming from a place of anxiety and that made my thanks somewhat ingenuine. I wanted to be sure they perceived me as being grateful because I thought myself undeserving unlike how my mother behaved, so I reminded them over and over how thankful I was.

In the first year or two of my adoption, I became so focused on self-improvement that anything I did that was not good or didn't contribute positively to my communities made me extremely anxious. I developed what I call, "Self-improvement anxiety." My insecurities of needing to be perceived as anything but a narcissist overruled a lot of my actual self-worth and drove me even more toward anxiety.

How did I solve this problem?

Over time, a long time, I began to realize that all people are toxic to some degree. All people make mistakes. All people display some narcissistic traits. It's those who are willing to self-reflect and put the work in that can be differentiated from narcissists. A trait of narcissism is not narcissism. An arrogant comment made on my part doesn't make me a narcissist so long as I am willing to be corrected. That's when I learned that true confidence is being changeable. True confidence is the key to growing out of my insecurities around becoming a narcissist. True confidence is recognizing that I and others are going to make mistakes sometimes, and all is well and healthy so long as we can work out those mistakes as a team.

In the last year, since realizing my confidence, I've made some incredible connections. 

I've spent hours philosophizing with my friend in her garage, 

consoled another friend through romantic troubles,

and supported students in their self-expression as they sing and dance to songs of their choice while the rest of us clap and applaud them regardless of whether their dance would be perceived as "good" or not by others.

I met people who have changed my life forever just from knowing them, and I've gotten to know people who have done nothing more than make me laugh more than I normally would on an average day--that means something.

But I’ve also cried in front of my lead teacher. I’ve vented to my roommate about personal troubles and found that we relate quite well. I’ve described my personal background to people in detail and was shocked to find how much they empathized with me.

I've learned that, yes, real self-confidence comes from within. When you love yourself and all your flaws, forgive your shames, and forgive others for their own downfalls, you attract the kind of love and support you really deserve from wonderful people all around. 

However, the most important connection I've made has been with myself. I can now say, arrogantly, that I really am my own best friend, and it's okay and even incredible to be able share that best friend with others.

So let's talk about our insecurities, Friends. Let's talk them down, or talk them up. Let's laugh about them. Cry about them. Scream them from rooftops or whisper them to a trusted friend. Anything we can do to simply acknowledge that they're there so that we can redirect their frustrating existence toward something more positive and productive, we should do it.

I'll end with a quote from my lead teacher whenever I ask her if I'm justified or if I'm just projecting an insecurity:

"No, you're just projecting!"

Every time she affirms that I'm projecting, we laugh, I handle myself, and life is good.

More posts in which I air out my insecurities to come.

Listening to: "Under Pressure" by Queen and David Bowie.