On Unconditional Love

Love is very difficult for us to define.

We often will not invest our energy in love that isn’t reciprocal, and if we do it’s because we’re trying to fill a void. Sometimes we avoid love, either because we do not trust that it is real and without negative consequences, or because we feel we do not deserve it. Sometimes, when we love someone, we hurt them because we want them to love us so bad in return that we push them beyond their limits.  Sometimes we hurt others because, in saying we don’t deserve love, we deny others the opportunity to express their very real love for us. They, in turn, feel left in the dark.

Sometimes we set ourselves to extremely high standards. We think that if we meet those standards, it automatically means we deserve a love from a specific person or group of people. Other times, we feel we are unable to meet those standards and are therefore unworthy of love.

The truth is, in order to truly understand what it means to love others, we must learn to love ourselves. I invite you to think of someone you love. It could be someone you’re in conflict with or you don’t see eye to eye with as much as you’d like. It could be your child, partner, mother, father, grandparent, a brother, a sister, or sibling of any gender. It could be your childhood best friend, or even your pet. Focus on the love you feel for that person. This is different from the love you express to that person. I’m talking only about the feelings you harbor for this person–regardless of how close you might be with this person today outside the room. That love that you feel where, no matter what happens between you and this person, you know you will always feel love for them–near or far.

Sit with that love for just a moment. Imagine your person is sitting in front of you, and imagine any physical gestures you’d like to make toward this person. A hug, a kiss, a pat on the shoulder. Imagine the way you talk to this person during a good moment. Imagine shared laughter, or an inside joke.

You love this person no matter what they do or did.

Now, however challenging it may be, go ahead and turn that same energy toward yourself.

Do you talk to yourself the same way you talk to this loved one?

Do you hold yourself to higher expectations than you do this person?

If you avoid this person, do you also avoid yourself and any negative feelings that come up during your daily life?

Do you talk to yourself the same way this person may address you?

Do you have negative or positive inner dialogue toward yourself and your flaws or mistakes?

If you easily forgive this person for their mistakes, do you also forgive yourself for yours? Or do you beat yourself up?

Do you forgive yourself for wishing this person was kinder or more loving toward you?

Do you let yourself accept love from this person? Why or why not?

We need to explore ways we can manifest and nurture a healthy love for ourselves with unconditional acceptance–we will practice accepting our flaws in a way that is neutral and non-critical. This is not a space, in this moment, for self-deprecation, but for honest self-reflection, so that we can learn to express love toward ourselves in a way that still holds us accountable and helps us grow. We cannot guilt-trip ourselves into becoming better people or reaching our goals. We cannot make positive changes in our lives through a lens of shame. We must unconditionally accept everything that we are, through self-forgiveness, and recognize our freedom to grow or not grow, so that we can accept that same freedom in others without expectation.

Unconditional love is feeling and channeling love without the expectation for ourselves and others to overcome imperfection.

"Give the ones you love wings to fly, roots to come back, and reasons to stay."

- Dalai Lama

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